If we care about connection and compassion, we have to be curious learners, not knowers!
The human experience is so vast and rich. Nothing is more human than emotions, but according to Brené Brown’s research, we know very little about emotions, and we don’t have adequate language to describe them. Her research has identified that most people can name just three emotions – happy, sad and pissed-off. She distilled “87 emotions and experiences” (not all are emotions.) But – which ones of them do we really need to know? And – what are the consequences of not knowing and not being able to name these emotions?
If we can name our experience and specifically our emotional experience with accuracy and refinement, we are more likely able to:
- get what we need,
- move through the challenging or unpleasant states more productively,
- replicate pleasant experiences more effectively.
If we name our experience incorrectly, we throw our body and nervous system in the wrong direction and often have unhelpful re-action. For example, many people overuse the word “overwhelmed” to describe a vast range of states of stress and emotional intensity. By not being more specific, they don’t distinguish between the productive state of stress (constructive challenge) and destructive stress that inevitably leads to further problems and a shutdown. In a state of overwhelm, we make decisions that generate even more overwhelm. Therefore, it is necessary to pause and check – am I stressed or actually overwhelmed?
She also found that language does not just help label and communicate emotion, but it shapes and changes the embodied experience of it (!)
Being able to find the right word and name our intense emotions reduces their intensity. Yes – naming is taming. We have to be able to name what we feel if we want to have any chance of understanding and regulating it. We learn about emotions by comparing them. However, by doing that, we can easily confuse emotions and feelings that are similar, such as embarrassment, guilt and shame, jealousy and envy, anger and resentment, etc.
The quality of our relationship with other people is one of the key variables for happiness. However, the depth of our connection with our own inner life, especially our emotional experiencing, will determine the depth of our capacity for connection to others. In other words, understanding our inner ‘maps’ will help our connection and quality of relationship with others.
The myth we are all influenced by is that we have to be able to read emotions in ourselves and others. However, can we accurately read emotions in others, and if we could, would that be helpful? Considering how personal emotions are and that many are experienced in a very similar way, the reality is that we cannot accurately read others’ emotions. What is helpful instead is to:
- listen and patiently support others in finding their language in naming their emotional experience;
- not try to “walk in other people’s shoes” but ask and believe them when they tell us what their experience is of walking in their own shoes.
If we really care about connection and compassion, we have to be curious and ask; we have to be learners not knowers!
If our goal is a meaningful connection (mine certainly is), we have to believe people. That will help them find their way of becoming who they strive to be. Even in the worst case of someone behaving in a manipulative way, asking them in a straightforward way what they need will help them see what is getting in the way of openly asking what they need. In such a way we communicate what is okay and what is not - yes, having clear boundaries, or better to say contact agreements, is an essential part of having a meaningful connection (It is okay to ask for what you need; it is not okay to lie and manipulate to get it).
If you are curious about the experiential understanding of different emotions, feeling states and sequences and how to work with them in the therapy process, the “FOT applications” workshop focuses on that.