Including, Connecting and Harmonising
Whatever we practice gets stronger. If we practice self-judgement – it grows and becomes strong. If we practice self-acceptance and compassion – it grows and gets strong.
Being compassionately present with someone means being connected, resonating with the state and experience of the other person and being differentiated. Without differentiation, we don’t retain our own sense of self and our uniqueness; we become over-identified and overwhelmed. Consequently, we at least subtly, partly, or more obviously disassociate and immediately lose the ability to remain present. Even parts of our brain “shut” when we are over-identified and feel overwhelmed (such as emotional processing parts).
In connecting, we don’t lose our differentiation and unique expression of life. Integration is connecting in synergy, which leads to harmony - not necessarily uniformity.
How do we create kind and compassionate connections with others while maintaining differentiated inner lives?
- We liberate ourselves from the illusion of separateness, and
- We take steps toward living an integrated life.
Scientific studies have shown that when we train to pay attention to our body (body awareness) mindfully, that activates and develops parts of the brain that increase self-awareness and self-regulation and enable us to empathise with others. Emotional resonance with others with mindful awareness helps us to make sense of the life experience and be compassionate to others. In a state of Presence - self-awareness and a state of compassion for others, we can achieve higher levels of integration, feelings of fulfilment and satisfaction.
In Focusing-Oriented Therapy, a self is seen as a process of interaction with the environment. It is not a solo entity like a noun but rather a verb – a process of selfing (becoming) as an unfolding event. Our problem is very much related to our strong reliance on visual perception, on our eyes, and becoming susceptible to a cognitive error of separateness. Missing the reality of interconnectedness leads to rigidity, and a large scope of problems, from personal struggles to mental health problems and social and environmental injustices.
We are not survival of the fittest, we are survival of the nurtured – Cosolino
However, we have deep, generations-long conditioning to exclude. Our work today is to wake up to the interconnectedness of life and keep including, including, … and harmonising with every step and every breath.
Widening the circles of compassion has to have humble quality without falling into the danger of pity. Instead, truly embodying the living reality of interconnectedness. We can learn from the wisdom of the Australian Aboriginal group, who once said:
“If you came here to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you came here because your liberation is bound with mine, then we can work together.” We are in it together…
Simple steps of self-compassion practice:
1. This is the moment of suffering – This is hard right now.
2. Struggles are part of life – challenging things happen.
3. What would be a small way of being kind to myself right now?